


Tell Me What's Wrong with the Feeling

by notreallythatuseful



Series: How About Forever [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Getting Together, Happy Ending, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 09:33:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9813401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notreallythatuseful/pseuds/notreallythatuseful
Summary: "'Say what?' Dan says, surprised at how calm his voice is. 'That you want me to leave? I know, Phil. I’m so sorry.' His hands are shaking where they’re twisted in his lap. 'I’ll leave first thing in the morning.''No, Dan,' Phil answers gently, and something in his voice makes a strange emotion sweep Dan from head to toe. 'Please open the door.'Dan opens the door."Or, Dan confesses to Phil while he's drunk and waits for the fallout. It doesn't happen.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Heyyyyy so this is the first fanfiction I've ever written or posted or anything ever so please be kind!! Fun fact I wrote this last night while I was drunk off of bourbon and pining for my best friend so. Also just a disclaimer I am not a fan of writing or reading sad fanfics because I am a depressed gal and I don't want to put any more sadness into my life or anyone else's so never fear this fanfic is not ever ever going to have a sad ending!! I hope for it to be a series and spoiler alert they're going to be happy af so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Also the title of the fic is based on 'Real Love Baby' and the series is titled after 'Chateau Lobby #4 (in C for Two Virgins)', both by Father John Misty who is the love of my life and honestly all of the fics in this series are probably going to be titled from his songs because I frickin want to. Finally I respect the heck out of Dan and Phil and just want them to be happy and all of this is fictional etc. Anyways please enjoy!

Dan is drunk. For a multitude of reasons, really – that he’s lonely and sad and constantly fucking stressed, to begin with. But the main reason he’s drunk, sitting alone in the half-light of his room, is that he’s completely and utterly in love with his best friend.

He’s over the denial of it, long past that. He’s over the shame and the wrongness and the long period of infuriation with himself for being, per usual, a goddamn drama queen. And now he’s here. Hiccuping and alone and quickly approaching blackout while his best friend and the only person he will ever love sits across the hall.

“Dan?” Phil calls, as if on cue, and Dan sits up straight, passing a hand blearily across his bourbon-bittered lips.

“In here,” he answers, trying desperately to un-slur his words and to hold back the tears that had been steadily building against his eyelids. His heartbeat picks up sluggishly as Phil knocks at the door.

“Dan?” Phil repeats, swinging open the door. “Are you alright? You’re awfully quie—Dan?” His brow creases as soon as he sees Dan, and he crosses the room in a single brief stride to settle on the bed beside him. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Dan says, breathing in the familiar homey scent of Phil, forcing himself to move backwards. Some brief emotion flickers across Phil’s face at the retreat, gone before Dan’s slowed senses can catch it.

“That’s not true,” Phil says gently, and his fingers brush against Dan’s as he eases the neck of the bottle out of them. “You’re drunk. You’re very drunk.”

“Yeah,” Dan breathes, his eyes fixed on a black square of his bedsheets because he will not, cannot look Phil in the eyes right now.

“What for?” Phil’s voice isn’t judging, is never judging, and Dan is so in love he feels it in the base of his throat where his heart aches. There’s nothing he can say to Phil other than the things he’s been holding back for so long. For a long time, he’s quiet, and Phil doesn’t rush him. Instead, he swirls the remaining bourbon in the bottle, brilliant blue eyes following its languid whirl.

“I’m sad,” Dan rasps finally, and Phil leans forward immediately, his free hand coming to rest on Dan’s leg.

“Okay,” Phil answers, and though his voice is laced with concern he adds, “Hey, Dan, you’re talking about it. That’s so good. That’s really good.” He’s so genuine, and before Dan can stop it, tears start to well back up in his eyes.

“Thank you,” he whispers, dropping his head into his hands. Jesus Christ, he thinks. Jesus fucking Christ. He’s being a burden, nothing but a burden, and in the darkest parts of his mind he wonders how long it will be before Phil gives up on him, leaves him.

“Can you say why?” Phil presses, ever patient, and Dan opens his mouth to speak before he closes it again. He can’t. There’s nothing to say without giving it all away. He shakes his head.

“Alright,” Phil says, squeezing Dan’s leg reassuringly, and the heat of it spreads through Dan’s body. “Can I stay with you then? Or I could leave, if – if you want.”

“No,” Dan says, and suddenly he’s crying, and Jesus fuck he hates himself, but he can’t stop. “Don’t leave. Please don’t leave me, Phil.”

“Dan,” Phil exclaims gently, pulling Dan to his chest. “Dan, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

“It’s not,” Dan manages, and he’s truly crying now, curling his fists in the bright fabric of Phil’s t-shirt. “It’s not.”

“Please tell me what’s wrong, Dan,” Phil begs, and Dan hears the clunk of the bourbon bottle being set down on the bedside table before Phil’s other hand returns to curl protectively around his shoulders. “We’ll work it out, I promise. I’m right here. I promise we’ll fix it.” He’s rambling in the way he’s learned can comfort Dan, quiet reassurances that help Dan get air back into his lungs. This time, though, it’s not enough.

“We can’t,” Dan whispers, his breath quickly creeping into what will soon be hyperventilation.

“Dan, Dan, please, tell me what’s wrong,” Phil says, a note of fear creeping into his voice. “Anything, Dan, you know you can tell me, and we’ll fix it.” His hand reaches up to card through Dan’s hair, and suddenly Dan can’t do it anymore, can’t let Phil touch him like this, because he loves it and he’s pushing into it and it’s wrong because Phil doesn’t know any better, and before he knows it he’s scrambling backwards.

“We can’t fucking fix it, Phil,” he says, his voice falling flat. “I love you, okay? I love you.” And then he flees down the hallway, leaving Phil stunned and staring at the space where his best friend stood.


	2. Chapter 2

Once Dan has locked the bathroom door, he begins to think. He can stay here for the night – it’s past four in the morning already, and if he passes out on the floor, so be it – and in the morning, he’ll pack his things. He can afford a place on his own, easily, and while he looks he’ll stay with his parents or Adrian or Louise. He thinks about telling any of them what happened, how badly he fucked up. He barely makes it to the toilet before he throws up. 

“Dan,” Phil says on the other side of the door, his voice so close it sounds as if he’s leaned up against it. “Please open the door.” Dan’s stomach drops even more, and he wipes his mouth shakily before he flushes and stands up to brush his teeth. 

“Dan,” Phil repeats when Dan doesn’t answer, instead scrubbing his teeth with an unnatural calmness. “Please, Dan, talk to me. Open the door.” Dan stays quiet, staring straight into the eyes of his reflection. He’s done enough. 

“I’m not angry at you, Dan,” Phil says, and Dan’s routine falters for a moment before he continues, rinsing off his toothbrush and spitting to get the bitter taste of bile and alcohol out of his mouth. It’s too late, he thinks, sinking to the floor to sleep, but he can’t stop himself from curling up against the door, imagining he can feel Phil’s warmth from the other side. 

“Dan,” Phil pleads, and Dan startles when he hears how close to his own level it is; on the other side of the door, Phil be on the floor as well. “Dan, I – please, I want to say this to your face. Can you please open the door?” 

“Say what?” Dan says, surprised at how calm his voice is. “That you want me to leave? I know, Phil. I’m so sorry.” His hands are shaking where they’re twisted in his lap. “I’ll leave first thing in the morning.” 

“No, Dan,” Phil answers gently, and something in his voice makes a strange emotion sweep Dan from head to toe. “Please open the door.” 

Dan opens the door. Phil’s there, waiting and patient as always, and the moment Dan steps into the hallway he pulls him into a crushing hug. “I love you too, you spork,” he mutters into Dan’s shoulder, and Dan pulls back in shock only to surge forward again to kiss him. It’s easy, simple, their noses bumping awkwardly and their mouths moving clumsily to figure the other’s out, so them that Dan hurts, and he lets out a soft noise as he wraps his arms around Phil’s shoulders. Phil lets him lead the kiss, lets him be the first to lick his way into Phil’s mouth, and then he pushes forward, pinning Dan firmly against the wall with his palms to Dan’s hips. Dan melts into pliancy without skipping a beat, mind spinning with more than the alcohol now as Phil’s tongue slides smoothly against his. 

“Phil,” Dan says against Phil’s mouth, his voice high and soft. Phil crowds closer, a knee pushing between Dan’s legs, and all of a sudden his thigh is pressing warm against Dan’s crotch, and more than that Dan can feel Phil hard against his hip. He moans, letting his head fall back against the wall and rolling his hips forward. It feels so good, so much better than he had pictured it even, and he thinks he could come just like this. He wants Phil to get off with him, press him up against the wall and rut against him. He wants to drop to his knees and breathe Phil in, take him in his mouth and make it good for him. Phil, he thinks dizzily. He wants Phil. 

And then Phil’s gone. 

“Phil,” Dan whines, leaning forward. He knows what Phil’s going to say, that it was a mistake, that he only said it to make Dan feel better, and his blood runs cold. 

Phil holds him back with a hand on his shoulder, his eyes dropped. “I shouldn’t have done that, Dan. I’m sorry.” 

“Please, don’t,” Dan starts, but Phil cuts him off. He looks up with eyes gone almost black with lust. 

“I want you so bad,” Phil says, a sheepish grin breaking out across his face. “And I meant it, Dan, what I said.” All of the breath leaves Dan’s body at once in a sigh of relief. “I just – I can’t, tonight. You’re still drunk. I shouldn’t have taken it so far. I’m sorry about that. Are you – are you alright?” 

“Yes, fuck,” Dan says, taking Phil’s hand without thinking. “Please, Phil, I want you, I’ve wanted you for so long.” 

“Not tonight,” Phil answers gently, and presses a kiss to Dan’s forehead. It’s sickeningly sweet, and Dan’s so in love. Christ, he thinks, and smiles so hard it crinkles the corners of his eyes. 

“I really love you,” he says, quiet enough Phil can pretend not to hear it, but instead Phil squeezes his hand. 

“I love you,” he answers, ducking his head and looking back up with his fringe just barely dusting the edge of his eyelashes. “Let’s sleep on this, okay? See how you feel in the morning.” 

Dan nods. “Ok,” he agrees, leaning forward to place a quick kiss on Phil’s mouth before he can stop him. “Goodnight.” 

He moves like he's in a dream to his room and lays down in all of his clothes, too exhausted and drunk and stunned to change into anything else. Phil feels the same. He feels the same. He passes a hand over his eyes, a grin still pushing its way across his face. He hasn’t been this happy in ages, and although the seed of doubt and fear and sadness is still there, always there, he wonders if it could all be okay. 

He can hear Phil coming down the hall from a mile away, clumsy and loud as ever, and he looks up at the door to watch him, wanting to see him one last time before he goes into his room, as if checking to make sure that he’s real. Phil reaches the end of the hall, meets his gaze with a shyness he hasn’t had since the first day they met in the train station, but instead of going into his room he turns to walk steadily into Dan’s. 

"Drink,” he says by way of explanation, setting one of their glasses down on the bedside table. “You need water. You won’t feel so bad in the morning.” Dan drinks obligingly, the coolness of it already settling his stomach. Phil offers a smile then, smoothing his hands a bit nervously down his sides. “Are you okay?” 

“Yes,” Dan says, adding before he can doubt himself, “Will you -- can you sleep in here tonight?” 

Phil’s eyebrows knit together. “I don’t know, I--”

“We won’t do anything,” Dan reassures him, setting the glass down and reaching out to intertwine his fingers with Phil’s. “Please, Philly?”

Phil hesitates for a second before he nods. “Alright,” he agrees softly, and though he’s been in Dan’s bed a million times before, they’re both possessed with a strong timidty as Dan lays down and scoots over to let Phil lie beside him. For a moment, they’re still, Phil lying with his hands folded primly across his chest, Dan on his side, watching him with his heart in his throat. Then Dan laughs. 

“Come on, then,” he urges, rolling onto his other side and snuggling up against Phil. “I’m fucking exhausted.” Phil stiffens briefly, then rolls too until he’s curled against Dan, pressed against his back, and Dan feels himself relax for what feels like the first time in years when Phil hesitantly drapes his arm over Dan’s side. 

“Night,” Dan says into his pillow.

“Night,” Phil answers into his hair. Dan falls asleep with a smile on his face.


	3. Chapter 3

Dan remembers everything the moment he wakes up. Phil’s blessedly still there, breath huffing softly against the nape of his neck. Sober now, Dan’s stricken with the thought that he could have ruined everything last night, could have fucked up the friendship they’ve built over all these years, and his stomach swoops in dread and a giddy relief that Phil understood him. Not just understood him, either, but felt the same. He’s ridiculously, impossibly lucky to have found Phil. He finds himself moving before he even processes it fully, rolling over to face Phil so he’s surrounded completely – Phil’s sleep-heavy arm behind his back, his body pressed close to his front. He wants him so much he can barely breathe. 

“Phil,” Dan prompts gently, leaning forwards to run his tongue over the pale juncture of Phil’s neck and shoulder. As Phil stirs, he bites down gently, sucking a bruise into his skin. Phil groans. Dan moves lower. 

“Can I?" he asks quietly as Phil’s eyes flutter open. His hands hover over the hem of Phil’s shirt. 

“Yes. Dan,” Phil says back dazedly, sifting a hand through Dan’s hair. Dan rucks up Phil’s shirt, moans almost imperceptibly at the expanse of skin before him before he presses a reverent kiss to the middle of Phil’s chest. Phil’s breathing is growing quicker. Dan grins and takes Phil’s nipple between his teeth. 

“Oh,” Phil says, his fingers curling against Dan’s scalp. He pushes up into it, and Dan’s eyes close as he flicks his tongue against it, the taste of Phil’s skin soft and slightly salty and all Phil. He moves to the other one, gives it the same treatment before he begins to plant a trail of sucking kisses downwards, straying to kiss down the line of Phil’s ribs and then back to the soft trail of hair against his stomach. Phil holds still, trembling, his fingers clenching and unclenching in Dan’s hair without pulling. 

When Dan reaches the waistline of Phil’s pajama pants, he looks up. “Can I blow you?” he asks crudely, just to watch the way Phil’s stomach sucks in as he takes a breath. 

“Dan, you don’t have to,” Phil insists, the shaking of his voice giving him away. “We haven’t even talked about last night, and I don’t want you to feel – I don’t know, to feel pressured or anything like that.” 

“I still love you,” Dan says, and it’s much harder for him to say it sober; fear and self-consciousness almost keep the words from coming out, and he can’t help but counteract the purity of it by reaching a hand up to cup Phil’s length through his pajama pants. Phil sighs, spreading his legs and rocking down into it for a second, and Dan is sad for some stupid reason, because he knew it would work, has always been able to push away true feelings with physical touch. No one wants to talk to him, truly, when instead he could be looking up at them through his lashes like he’s looking at Phil now, when they could be using him like he knows Phil will, and the self-destructive darkness in him sends a little thrill through the pit of his stomach. They won’t talk about it, and it’ll be fine. He’ll be a slut, like always, but now he’ll be Phil’s slut, and it’s better than nothing. He bites down on his lip until he tastes iron and moves to pull down Phil’s pants. 

“Hey, hey,” Phil says, catching Dan’s hand in his own. “That – Dan, that feels so good, but – let’s talk first, alright?” He urges Dan back up to rest against his bare chest, brushes his nose gently against his before he presses a chaste kiss to his lips. “We have time, okay?” 

“Okay, yeah,” Dan answers, and he’s so overwhelmed with Phil’s goodness he can’t even look him in the eye, curls instead to rest his face in the crook of his neck. Phil’s not going to use him. He’s not going to hurt him. With his hand resting over the gentle thump of Phil’s heartbeat, Dan can almost believe it.


	4. Chapter 4

The best thing about it is that they can still be normal. They still bump shoulders on the way out Dan’s door, still chatter pointlessly while they move around in the kitchen pouring themselves cereal, still curl up on the sofa and watch an anime while they eat. There are different things, too – how Dan watches Phil’s eyes illuminated by the TV screen, the way Phil rests his hand on Dan’s lower thigh once he’s set down his cereal bowl, the tentative kiss Dan presses to Phil’s cheekbone that turns into a gentle kiss from Phil that turns into a long, long time of the two of them making out languidly on the sofa, Phil’s hand cupping Dan’s jaw like it’s something precious. Finally, they break apart, both of them breathing slightly heavier. 

“Are you ready to talk?” Phil asks. 

“Yeah,” Dan says. He fucking hates talking about these things, though he knows he needs to, and something in Phil’s eyes makes it seem like he understands when he pulls Dan’s hand to him and wraps both of his hands around it. 

“I--” Phil starts, then breaks off, clearing his throat. He’s nervous too, Dan realizes, and he’s hit with a rush of adoration for Phi for taking over, for knowing always when Dan’s emotional boundaries are being pushed, for guarding them carefully, always. He squeezes Phil’s hand reassuringly. 

“I didn’t want us to go – you know, to go any further because I want you to know I – I really care about you, Dan,” Phil gets out, keeping his eyes trained on the bright cartoon figures on his pajama pants. “To be honest, I’ve seen – I’ve seen you bring people home, and I’ve seen how you distance yourself from them, and I know what it does to you. You don’t say it, but I see it. And I – you mean a lot to me, is all, and I don’t want sex to be the first part of… of this thing. I want you to be first. Just you,” he finishes, and looks up with an anxious smile twisting the corners of his mouth. 

“Me too,” Dan whispers, because that’s all he can get out without embarrassing himself again. 

“So let’s just… take it slow, okay? And figure out how to do this before anything else,” Phil says, bumping his forehead softly against Dan’s. “Because I like you. I’ve liked you for a really long time.” 

“Yeah?” Dan says, eyes falling to Phil’s lips, and he thinks with a rush that they’re finally his to kiss, that he has who knows how long – forever? His brain whispers – to kiss him and touch him and love him and tell him everything, everything he’s been holding back for so long. And so he does kiss him, putting everything he can’t say into it, just a gentle pull of their lips at first and then an escalation, his tongue sliding into Phil’s mouth as Phil lets out a little noise of encouragement and tilts Dan’s head back to deepen it. Dan tugs Phil’s lip gently with his teeth like a benediction, like an I love you, and then he whispers it, out loud, and moves back in, and Phil whispers back, and they don’t stop saying it for a long, long time, and Dan thinks that maybe it will all be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it!!! I don't know, the chapters were shorter than I thought they would be, but probably when I keep going with the series I'll keep it down to one or two chapters so they can be longer. I just thought this was best for the intro. Sorry it got a little angsty in there -- like I said, I was high-key drunk and 10/10 putting some of my #issues in there so. Sorry :))) I really hope you enjoyed! Feel free to leave comments or kudos! Thanks for reading <3


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